Got Minotaur Milk?

What happens when a debt-crushed millennial takes a job at a "milking farm" and a runaway stumbles into the arms of a golden-sapped tree man who can sew, garden and cook? We pour a drink (okay, a few), roll up our sleeves, and unpack two monster romances that are equal parts spicy, sweet and unexpectedly practical. From fictional Cambric Creek to a swamp sanctuary outside Cypress Landing, this creature-feature doubleheader puts consent at the center and asks BIG questions ... if you know what we mean.

We start with Morning Glory Milking Farm, where Violet’s new gig comes with protocols, tips, and one very considerate minotaur named Rourke. The cover screams medieval but the setting is contemporary:  lattes, texts and a gentleman who insists on dates before heat. We rate the spice level, glean practical "romantic" advice, and run a tongue-in-cheek audit on the infamous “24 ounces.” (Nicole likes her scientific facts and figures.) 

Then we wade into Mated to the Swamp Monster. We meet Rory and Marsh, a tender dryad hybrid who weaves his own fabric, tends chickens, and teaches plant lore. The world-building is light, the chemistry earnest, and the "wood" jokes just magically present themselves.

Along the way we explore why short monster romances can satisfy a mood without overstaying their welcome, animals vs. Animals, and classic romance tropes. Expect playful wordplay and candid spicyness scales. Stay to the end for booby prizes, romantic reminders, and teases for our next reads:  a zombie hunter with a lunar secret and a demon who keeps losing his shirt.

If you had fun, tap follow, share this with a fellow romance goblin, and leave a quick review. It helps other curious listeners find us and keeps the creature features coming. Which monster should we date next?

Meghan's Cocktail & Book:  Monster The Beast Mean Green with Mated to the Swamp Monster by Honey Phillips

Nicole's Cocktail & Book:  Deep River Brewing Company Pumpkin Pie Porter with Morning Glory Milking Farm by C.M. Nascosta

Other Episodes Mentioned: 

Season 1 Episode 5: A Christmas for the Dogs

Season 2 Episode 10: Love in the Deep

Season 2 Episode 11: Diving into Underwater Romance

Season 2 Episode 21: I'm Also in Love with Mothman

Season 2 Episode 22: Love Spells

Transcript

Nicole:
Hello, I'm Nicole Danielle. 

Meghan:
And I'm Meghan Leigh. And this is Romance on the Rocks, where two bookish biddies imbibe and read romance novels. And boy, do we have a treat for you this week. It is still part of our, what are we calling it? 

Nicole:
Creature feature. 

Meghan:
I was gonna say monster mash, and I'm like, that is not correct. 

Nicole:
Mated to monsters. 

Meghan:
Yeah. So, we're in creature feature month. Happy Halloween. 

Nicole:
Yeah. Let's just start off with what we're drinking, because we're gonna need some drinks to get through this stuff. 

Meghan:
Wow. Good lord. Well, I will start by saying my book this time around is called “Mated to the Swamp Monster.” And I don't know if anybody else has seen, but there's this Monster not-energy-drink. It's actually an alcoholic beverage. So, Monster now makes alcohol as well. 

Nicole:
Now I did not know that they did that. 

Meghan:
I just found this last week. And here's the story. I saw it in a gas station. These cans are enormous, the size of an energy drink, and it was bright green. And I was thrilled. I'm like, there she is. That's what I'm gonna have. That this bright green can. And I was with my mother on a trip through the UP, the upper peninsula of Michigan, for those of you who don't know. And I brought that back to the car. I showed it to her. I said, this is gonna be for my swamp monster book. I'm so excited. The problem was our car was so full of stuff that I tucked it in between a bunch of things. And when we took the things out of the car, the can fell and it punctured. 

Nicole:
No!

Meghan:
Yes. And so, I couldn't save it for this week. And my mother and I drank it with our dinner. And it was terrible. 

Nicole:
Oh no. 

Meghan:
It was real bad, you guys. So, the green one was what I had aimed for. And then I was like, that's okay. I'll replace it with something else from that line when I go to the gas station near my house. They only had one flavor. It's called Killer Sunrise. Shall we see if this one's terrible or good? 

Nicole:
Do it up. 

Meghan:
Yep. All right, here we go. 
Oh, it smells better than the other one. It's an alcoholic orange soda. 

Nicole:
Okay. That's basically what it is. Now, in case that was gonna be terrible, I tried to continue with semi-theme. And I got another little trendy thing. I don't know if you've seen these. They're called buzzballs. 

Nicole:
Oh, yeah, the little balls of booze. 

Meghan:
Yeah. First of all, they have one that's the size of a bowling ball. 

Nicole:
Oh god. 

Meghan:
Huge and ridiculous. I'm like, I'm not committing to that. This could be awful. But it is bright green. It is the Lime Rita Chiller. So, I yeah. So, I got bright green to go with my bright green book. And you can see they're the same color. I'm not gonna open that one because I think I can get through this giant orange beast. And how about you? What do you got? 

Nicole:
Oh, try as I might, Meghan. I could not find a beverage to go with my book perfectly. So, I was like, let's just go with the Halloween theme. We'll just stick with Halloween. And I was at the Lowe's grocery store here in Carolina. So, Lowe's Groceries, not Lowe's hardware. And they had a pumpkin pie porter beer. 

Meghan:
Oh, okay. 

Nicole:
From the Deep River Brewing Co. I have not tried anything from Deep River before, but they are based in Clayton, North Carolina, which is very close to me. And I was like, I like porter beer. Oh, porter stout. I'm here for it. And I like pumpkin pie. Will these two things go well together? I don't know yet. I feel like it sounds good, but it might be one of those that I wouldn't want more than a couple sips of. Yeah. So, we're about to find out. 

Meghan:
All right, let's do it. 

Nicole:
Not much of a fizz on that one when you pop her open. It makes me a little nervous. Definitely a porter. Frankly, I don't taste any pumpkin pie. 

Meghan:
That might be for the best. That might come on, like you know, a hint in your breath after the fact. What's that cinnamon and clove? Right? 

Nicole:
Well, Bob did come home early from Canada. I'll make out with him with porter breath.

Meghan:
 I feel like your husband would encourage that. 

Nicole:
I don't think he likes porter beer, so probably never mind. He'll be like, palate cleanser of scotch, please. 

Meghan:
Well, welcome in, folks. It should be another wild ride. 

Nicole:
Yes. 

Meghan:
Yeah. 

Nicole:
I'm so excited. I'm practically giddy. 

Meghan:
Uh, you are. Actually, Nicole wanted to do this book last week because she had she had finished this book so quickly. And then we realized we had already teased the previous book. So, we couldn't jump the gun and go early. So, she has been waiting to talk about this book. 

Nicole:
Yes. And this book is Morning Glory Milking Farm by C.M. Nazcosta. On the cover for our listeners who cannot view it is a shirtless Minotaur man and a damsel pouring out a milking jug of milk. Maybe. 

Meghan:
I thought you were gonna say pouring out of her dress, which also would have been appropriate. 

Nicole:
Yes, and she's basically falling out of her dress. I would say, looking at this cover, that it seems like it's probably a romantasy from a from a medieval-y type times, but we'll address that shortly as I dive into this wonderful foray of Minotaur smut. 
All right. Morning Glory Milking Farm by C. M. Nescosta, a USA Today best-selling author, Meghan, who writes monster bait romances, which are high heat and always sweet monster romance. 

Meghan:
Monster Bait? I love that. I didn’t know that was a thing. When I say I love that, not that I want to read that. I love that phrase. It's, “I wish I had known that phrase before I wrote my show notes.”

Nicole:
This book was given to me by a friend who received it from another friend and was quite displeased about receiving said gift. I think that friend just didn't want to admit that they probably were thrilled. Looking at you, friend. This friend, who shall remain nameless to protect their innocence or non-innocence, gave this to me during a Packer game, I think. Pretty sure it was a Packer game. And he was like, oh god, this monstrosity, haha, pun intended. And I was like, I'll read it. Give it to me. I'll frickin' read it. So, he passed it on to me after ripping out the customized name sticker that was made out to him from the person who gave it to him as a Christmas gift. Because God forbid, we have evidence. 

Meghan:
I mean, we know where it came from. 

Nicole:
Oh, I know exactly where it came from. He's lucky I'm not saying what his name is. I was told a lot of things by this person and their wife about what to expect, and I don't know if it was accurate. Or maybe I'm getting desensitized to all the smut we're reading. 

Meghan:
Ooh. 

Nicole:
I'm not sure which one yet. 
Anywho, this was published in 2022. I'm putting this in the genre of fantasy romantasy. Erotica, possibly. It's supposed to be classified in that. I think that one is debatable. And contemporary romance, which frankly threw me for a loop. I mean, it was written contemporarily, I guess. Well, based on the cover, I was expecting medieval-y times, but no, the girl is literally a millennial. 

Meghan:
Remember, I had that issue with uh, I think it was the Emma Hamm books, where it looks very like Victorian, but that's not really the time period. Uh the cover art is beautiful, so it's nothing against that. In fact, the cover art on your book here is very pretty. 

Nicole:
Actually, I do think it's very pretty cover art as far as Minotaur smut goes. 

Meghan:
Yeah. 

Nicole:
But it is misleading, I will say. We're not really gonna do spoilers, trigger warnings that much, but yes, I'm gonna spoil the fuck out of this book. And if you have a problem with zoophilia and bestiality, which I think this might qualify as, I'm still unsure. Maybe best to just fast forward to Meghan's book. 

Meghan:
Or just the whole episode. 

Nicole:
Okay, skip to the end. I mean, your guy is half a man, so Okay. 
I have my hot take, and I think it's actually a hot take this time: True blood meets Minotaur meets a sperm bank. 

Nicole:
All right, go. 

Nicole:
Main characters. Violet, and I really do love the name Violet. I think it's a beautiful name. She is a woman in her mid-twenties who is drowning in post-college debt and facing the possibility of having to move back to her parents. 

Meghan:
Wah wah. 

Nicole:
Then we have Rourke, a wealthy minotaur, successful in the business world and a divorcee. The plot line: Our story takes place primarily in a fictitious...fictional? Fictitious and fictional. 

Meghan:
Yes. 

Nicole:
Location of Cambert Creek, which is a suburb comprised of various fay creatures. So, it is set technically in contemporary times. They have cell phones and lattes and such, but it's kind of an alternate world that would be like, oh, let's just say Minotaurs really existed, and there's other fey creatures living alongside humans. So, that that's kind of the world building we're going for here. 
Violet is absolutely struggling with her finances and it's getting to the point where she may have to go back to living with her parents, as mentioned. She's got a college degree, but is struggling to find a job and is constantly told she's overqualified. Out of desperation, she accepts a high-paying job in Cambert Creek at the Morning Glory Milking Farm. She doesn't quite know what she'll be doing, but she's desperate for the money, and it's a legal job? Question mark. Hmm. It is a legal job in this world. And what is this farm, you may ask, Meghan? 

Meghan:
What is this farm? 

Nicole:
What is this farm? It's essentially a lab where they collect minotaur ejaculate that is later used to create erectile dysfunction pills for human men. 

Meghan:
Oh. 

Nicole:
And Violet's job will be to collect the jiz in a very hands-on manner. The protocol involves a combination of stimulating the minotaurs and also using a suction and collection machine. To put this all very bluntly, Meghan, Violet jerks off minotaurs and puts their jiz in a bottle. But it's all very professional, of course.

Meghan:
Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Nicole:
And it turns out, Meghan, Violet is very good at her job. As she gets through the training phase, she quickly starts earning bonuses and tips and building a regular clientele. And one of the regular clientele is Rourke. He's polite and nice and a great tipper. She starts to fantasize about Rourke a lot. A lot, a lot. But she feels like he's out of her league because she's struggling financially and working at the milking farm, and he's a successful and financially secure business guy. 

Meghan:
Who just happens to show up to volunteer his ejaculate to get paid? 

Nicole:
No, they get paid very well. And apparently, this is very common amongst Minotaur men to sell their jiz for extra cash. Like they will fund family vacations with it. 

Meghan:
So, he's already very successful and has lots of money, but in his spare time, he just…okay. 

Nicole:
Yeah. You know, he's very business-wise. 

Meghan:
Yeah. 

Nicole:
Financially savvy, if you will. 

Meghan:
Yeah. Yeah.  Mm-hmm. 

Nicole:
The two of them start flirting at work and eventually run into each other outside of work at a coffee shop that Rourke recommended to Violet. From there, they begin dating and developing a romantic relationship. And that that's pretty much the gist of it, Meghan. That that's what happens. 

Meghan:
That’s the jiz of it. 

Nicole:
Mm-hmm. 

Meghan:
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 


Nicole:
So, for spice level, we're gonna do the incorporation of Ghost Pepper for these four creature feature episodes. And ghost pepper would be between Habanero and Caroline Reaper, which Carolina Reaper is our highest level of spice. I have still yet to hit a Carolina Reaper. I believe you have hit one Carolina Reaper book. 


Meghan:
Yep, one. 

Nicole:
Sadly, I can only put this at a Habanero, maybe almost Ghost Pepper, but probably more Habanero. For all the hype that I heard about this book that allegedly left people dead, I was expecting something more shocking and at the Carolina Reaper level. It was just mostly Violet fantasizing about her favorite Minotaur and her in her work environment. She doesn't actually hook up with work until late in the book, and then it's honestly pretty standard stuff, minus the fact that he has a ridiculously large schlong and balls and spurts out 24 ounces of juice every time he comes. 

Meghan:
I was gonna say this sounds like it actually could be, aside from the wanking, a healthy relationship. I guess it sounds like two respected business professionals who find things in common and decide to date. 

Nicole:
Yes. 


Meghan:
Okay. 

Nicole:
Things I appreciated, Meghan. This was a fast read. I was able to complete the book in less than 24 hours. You know, I like a fast read. I like to plow through my books. 

Meghan:
Plowing and quickies.  Let’s do it. As you mentioned, is a lot of great consent and a healthy relationship. We love consent. The Minotaur is very gentlemanly and considerate of Violet's needs and comfort. And despite the fact that they have the milking farm interactions between them, he is adamant about dating her first and establishing a personal connection with her before they engage in physical intimacy. And he is so nice he prioritizes her pleasure in the bedroom, which is always nice to see from anyone. 

Meghan:
Alright. 

Nicole:
Well, the book cover. Let's start there with my challenges. It's a beautiful book cover, as we mentioned, but I did think it was going to be something set in medieval times, but it's technically contemporary. But again, I think it's a nice book cover. I was just a little thrown for a loop, I guess, with how the cover was. 
Other challenges, there are a lot of typos and spelling grammar errors in this book, especially at the beginning, which I find challenging with any book, but especially coming from a USA Today bestselling author. I don't know if that's a publishing-editing challenge or what. I feel like it's easily fixable for future iterations or publishings of the book, so hopefully that gets addressed later on. 
Other challenging elements. Rourke’s schlong. I get that he's a Minotaur, but it's that classic trope of his dick being the size of a literal arm. Violet literally compares the head of his shaft to the size of her fist. And yes, I am rolling my eyes right now. 

Meghan:
That does not sound fun. Ladies, why are we writing this? Why? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why? 

Nicole:
And there was a contradiction later in the book where Violet is talking to another friend in the Fey realm, and they're discussing guys with big schlongs and she's like, “oh my God, he's so much bigger than so-and-so. I feel like they would get broken in half.” And the other character, very tongue-in-cheek, is like, “oh yeah, nobody wants their cervix broken”, which I was like, haha, yeah, that's funny. Nobody does want that. And thank you for recognizing that. But then I was like, also, you literally described his schlong as being the size of an arm. So how is that better? 
And then my other challenge, Rourke's jiz. And Meghan, you know I'm a fan of visual aids. 

Meghan:
I wasn't waiting for this. Come on, come on. 

Nicole:
I mean, you need to see what 24 ounces of Minotaur jiz looks like. 

Meghan:
Oh my gosh. You did not.  Make a thumbnail out of this. Come on now. That is so nasty. 

Nicole:
24 freaking ounces. Okay, it's an entire giant ass, not a small. It's a mason jar. It's the big mason jar. 

Meghan:
Okay. So, this is what I call mama's drankin’ cup, and it is the big, big mason jar with a handle. And you are basically holding that. This fits two full drinks in it. That's disgusting. 

Nicole:
Here's my problems with the 24 ounces of jiz. And there is a lot of discussion of it and how they have to deal with it. We're talking sex towels just for jiz cleanup and enzymatic drain cleaner for the shower. Actual talking points in the novel. Which, on the one hand, props to the author for really working out those practical details, but also, I did not need to know those deets and did not find them romantic or appealing in the least. 
Also, you know, I like to question the science of things. And while, Meghan, there are no actual minotaurs in our world, I decided to Google average bull semen ejaculates. 

Meghan:
Okay, okay. Google says anywhere from 2.58 ml to 9.5 ml. So, let's just go with 9.5 ml for the sake of argument. That is only one third of a fluid ounce. So, one third of a shot glass. One third. That's the average that a bull is kicking out. And you know what? I even went ahead and I looked up darn elephants just for reference. Because I'm like, okay, let's go elephant on this. They top out at 90 ml, which is only three ounces. So only three shot glasses worth. So, I just find the 24 ounces of jiz completely ridiculous. And it got mentioned A LOT. And I will even grant grace and space for minotaurs. And I will say, okay, I find two to four ounces potentially believable for a completely mythological creature, but 24 ounces, preposterous, madam. Preposterous, I say. 

Meghan:
Also, how dehydrated would he be after something like that? Sir, you better be carrying around a gallon of water everywhere you go. Also, how often is he going to deposit his seed? 

Nicole:
At least once a week. And then he's banging her as well. 

Meghan:
I mean, that's seriously. Does he get like an infusion afterward to like replace some of the fluid? 

Nicole:
He should. 

Meghan:
An IV drip?  Something. 

Nicole:
Okay, now that I'm done talking about the jiz. 
My other challenge is the inappropriate work relationship. Violet is really lucky she didn't lose her job because her interactions with Rourke are certainly pink slip worthy and an HR nightmare. Finally, I don't know if this technically qualifies as zoophilia or bestiality. And here lies my confusion, and bear with me, pun intended. From reading the Wicked series by Gregory McGuire, I'm also hesitant to like bring him into this, but uh this is where my brain went. He makes a clear distinction between animals with a lowercase A and animals with a capital A. And animals with a capital A are considered to be essentially on the same level of humans. And there's inner species and human interactions throughout those four books of the Wicked series. So, my question is, is it zoophilia and bestiality with animals with a lowercase A or animals with the like capital A or just animals? These are the questions that plague me, which there are probably no real answers to. Thoughts, Meghan? 

Meghan:
I'm with you on the thought process, but I think it's a pretty clear distinction when they have a personified thought process. And if they are creatures that understand that death happens and we're all gonna die, and they can have a good conversation and they've got philosophy and stuff, I think they are humanoid. 

Nicole:
And they can take you out to dinner and buy you lattes. 

Meghan:
Yeah, I think you're good. If they have a credit card and they know how to use it.

Nicole:
Yes. 

Meghan:
Now, that being said, going back to my Christmas book, Familiar Christmas, he had a credit card and knew how to use it. 

Nicole:
I forgot about that. 

Meghan:
But he wasn't humanoid, and I think that those two things need to be together. So, if somebody tried molesting the cat, although the cat was admiring her long legs. 

Nicole:
So, he was. 

Meghan:
I feel like that book would have more problems if somebody had tried to like molest the cat than your book does, where he is very clearly first of all, he's half human. That is what a minotaur is, anyway. He's a bull and a human, so he's already got that going for him. 

Meghan:
So, I'm gonna go with no bestiality. I think you're good. You're solid on this one. 

Nicole:
My final thoughts on Morning Glory Milking Farm. I was so hoping for my first Carolina Reaper level book, but no, alas, there was nothing inordinately risqué in Morning Glory Milking Farm, despite the hype. Just a girl handling a lot of Minotaur cocks and balls at work and fantasizing about and eventually banging a Minotaur in all the classic ways. If you swapped Rourke and his 24 ounces of jiz for a regular human dude with a big dick and a normal amount of cum, you've got a fairly standard romance novel that I wouldn't even be able to put in the erotica realm. 
So, if Faye and mythological creatures are your jam and you like an open-door romance, it is a fast read, and there are several other Cambert Creek books available with a variety of other weird creatures. 

Meghan:
Yay! 

Nicole:
I hope you enjoyed my presentation and my visual aids. 

Meghan:
Thank you, Nicole. We appreciate your presentation. 

Nicole:
And now, Meghan, what do you have in store for us? 

Meghan:
All right, kids, here we go. 

NIcole:
I'm so excited! 

Meghan:
I have a book today called “Mated to the Swamp Monster”. Mine is also a USA Today best-selling author. Her name is Honey Phillips. This book was published in 2024. And also, a very quick read. This is 122 pages. Let's get into it. 
When our book opens, we meet Aurora, also known as Rory. She is stumbling through the swamp. I am thinking probably Florida. I couldn't find a place where it really said that. However, she's on the outskirts of a town called Cypress Landing. I'm thinking Everglades. She's on the run from her evil stepfather, Harold. He seems to be kind of like a gnarly backwoods hillbilly type, but somehow holds a lot of power in their township. He's one of the wealthiest people in town and is well connected to the local law enforcement. 
The whole reason Rory is stuck with him is because her mother married Harold a few years back before they realized that he was an abusive fuck. And by the point they realized he was terrible, Rory's mother was severely ill and was not in any position to leave. Rory's mother has now since passed away. Rory has not been in a position to leave. So now back to the stumblings. 
Rory is having the stumblies because she accidentally saw Harold and his associate doing an unsavory deal. It ended with the murder of another man. So even though Rory has very little money and nowhere to go, she has taken off into the swamp. Everybody knows the swamp is dangerous. It's full of stakes and gators, but it's also supposed to be haunted, supposedly, by things that go bump in the night. Rory injures herself while crashing through the watery underbrush and is swiftly scooped up by one of those bumps in the night. He is a giant tree man with golden locks and rock hard abs. 

Nicole:
Oh, kind of like Groot from uh Marvel. 

Meghan:
Jumpin’ the gun, girl. 

Nicole:
Sorry. 

Meghan:
I'm talking about that later. Oh, shh, nobody hear that, Nicole. 

NIcole:
Okay, sorry, sorry. I got excited. I was like, Groot! 

Meghan:
He introduces himself as Marsh and carries her off to safety, where he is going to tend to her wounds since she got injured in the swamp. We get to hear about the inner dialogue of Rory and Marsh. And in that inner dialogue, they both reveal themselves to be kind, sweet, personally, I think a bit naive. 
While Rory lost her mother just a year ago, Marsh has been alone for 15 years, having lost his mother at the age of 13. She was a dryad. His father was some sort of terrible human man who assaulted his mother, so he has no idea who his father even was. So, after she passed away, he's been by himself. My estimation is that maybe Rory is somewhere between 19 and 22. I don't think they ever really said. And Marsh seems to be at 28 years old. 
Um, the way their characters are written, emotionally, they both feel young, like around 16. That's not a good or bad thing. It's just an observation. 

Nicole:
Sure. 

Meghan:
They just seem really young compared to their actual physical. 

Nicole:
I mean emotionally immature, yeah, because of life experiences and trauma and…

Meghan:
Correct, correct. And I and again, not in a like lashing out sort of way, just kind of like life experience. 

Nicole:
Yeah, yeah. 

Meghan:
However, when it comes to like actual skills, life skills, Marsh is like a true renaissance man. I thought it was kind of nice. In fact, let me let me see if I can get a list of all the things that this author says that Marsh can do, because I thought it was pretty impressive as I was reading on. I'm like, I'm like, he's a very nice young man. 
He has his own chickens, a little chicken flock. And he's…

Nicole:
Oh god, I love them already. 

Meghan:
…Uh-huh. So, he's got he's got chickens, he's got a little house for his chickens. He has an entire garden. He planted fruit trees, and a lot of his chickens and the fruit trees, he actually traded his goats previously because he thought they were doing too much damage to the surrounding vegetation. He cooks for her, so he made breakfast, he made omelets. He wanted to go out and do weeding in the garden. Then he had to check his fish traps, so he's also fishing, and then he helps her make some new clothing because her shit got destroyed in the swamp. And she's like, do you have anything that I could like maybe sew something? And he goes, “oh, yeah, absolutely. I sew all my own clothing.” And he pulls out all his sewing stuff and then hands her like fabric, and she goes, did you make this fabric as well? And he's like, oh yeah, the plants I grow along the edge of the water, I process them into fibers and then I weave them on my mother's loom. It helps me stay busy in the winter. 

Nicole:
He's a fucking homesteader's dream. 

Meghan:
Correct. And then later on, he starts later on, he starts teaching her how to preserve and store food, the difference between healing proper herbs and the different plants and animals in the area. He's just he's very well educated for having been left alone at 13, but emotionally they just are like, like, she's a really pretty girl. How do I talk to her? You know what I mean? It it's a very 16-year-old mindset. 
So, he has all the best life skills, all the best homesteading skills, where he sounds like the perfect man, but emotionally he's not there yet. Yeah, well, and not even that it's bad emotionally, he just seems young. That's it. He just seems real young. 

Nicole:
Okay. 

Meghan:
So, Rory and Marsh fall in love in just a few days, which is always my favorite. 

Nicole:
I know it is. 

Meghan:
And then these two horny virgins find themselves smashing wood pretty quickly. Although this is 122 pages long, so they kind of have to bark up that tree with haste. Pun intended. 

Nicole:
Oh, keep it coming, Meghan. Pun intended!

Meghan:
Not only that, we have some similarities with our books. Aside from the following rampant sexy time between Rory and Marsh, I mean there is a lot of rampant sexy time. Not in any length. It's just mostly like they did it behind a bush. Ten minutes later, they were doing it in the house. It was just a lot of mentions of the fact that they just can't keep their hands off each other. 

Nicole:
Well, they're horny teenagers, ya know?

Meghan:
I said they feel like horny teenagers even though their ages are older, right? Yeah. The book culminates in us finding out that all of Harold's wealth has originated from him running his own meth lab. 

Nicole:
The bastard. 

Meghan:
I know, right? And he's still a danger to Rory because she clearly saw things that she shouldn't, and he has now been searching for her for the few weeks that she's been away, and he wants to make sure she's not going to tattle on him. 
So, Rory and Marsh put together a plan to put him out of business. Danger ensues. Of course. Victory is attained. 

Nicole:
Oh. 

Meghan:
And Marsh plants his peen, and Rory rides the root off into the sunset. 

Nicole:
The Pinocchio. Oh. Okay, that actually sounds a lot better than your last one. 

Meghan:
Oh, yeah, well, just different. Neither one of them have been my thing. 
For folks who may not have heard, last time I read the “Sasquatches Love Spell”.

Nicole:
Which was basically Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with Sasquatches. 

Meghan:
It was the hint at Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with a fairy world that, again, because it was only the last book was only like 99 pages, 98 pages. It felt like the start of a good idea that just needed more time. You needed to build that world more. 

Nicole:
It needed to uh develop and expand a little bit more. 

Meghan:
Yes. I loved the creative idea of it, but it also was not necessarily my spice level. I feel like, again, this is one of those books at 122 pages. It's not bad. I just wish it were more fleshed out. 

Nicole:
More.  Yes. 

Meghan:
If that makes sense. And the characters had, you know, a lot of care and consideration for each other, which is great. The one thing I'll say with my I have thoughts, in the very, very beginning, when she's hiding in the swamp and she can hear that her stepfather is after her, she hears that bump in the night that I'm calling, you know, Marsh. 

Nicole:
Yeah. 

Meghan:
And if you're hiding from somebody that you don't want to find you, don't call out “Harold?”  Why? 

Nicole:
But you're hiding from Harold. 

Meghan:
Yeah, you’re hiding from him. You hear a stick break. You don't call his name girl. Come on now. 

Nicole:
Freddie Krueger? Is that you? 

Nicole:
Right?  Come on. The first thing I highlighted in the book was just the word Harold. 
So, now to go to where Nicole jumped the gun. 

Nicole:
I am Groot. 

Meghan:
Exactly. I was explaining what he looked like to my husband, Adam, and his response was, “oh, like Groot”. And at that point I realized this book was less sexy swamp thing and more like amorous avengers, is kind of what it seemed like. 

Nicole:
Oh, so I am Groot gets his own little love story in this rock. 

Meghan:
Correct. Yeah. 
And then there is also a scene in which Marsh is caught masturbating in the shower. And had I known it was called monster-bating, I would have put that word in here. So, thank you for teaching that to me because it is perfect for this. 

Nicole:
And everyone listening, we encourage you to use the word monster-bating this week. 

Meghan:
I love that. That's ridiculous. So, Marsh is caught monster-bating in the shower. And when he cums, it is basically golden like sap. 

Nicole:
Oh, that makes sense, I guess. All I could think about is that he spunks out maple syrup, right? 

Nicole:
But is it flammable? If it's like pine sap, could you start the fire with it? 

Meghan:
I'm going maple. Maple syrup.

Nicole:
Maple syrup.  I feel it. I feel it. 

Meghan:
Okay?

Nicole:
Okay.   I mean, I don't want to feel that, but…

Meghan:
All right, in the end of this book, our author has an author's note and then also gives, hey, here's a list of other books. 

Nicole:
I will admit to you, Meghan, I low-key stalked your author, Honey Phillips, to see what she had written. And it is quite the array. 

Meghan:
There are six pages of titles here, but as a callback to last episode, where I thought it was problematic the way that my author had been using Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, because she made it sound like it was like all her idea, not that she was like taking a fun classic idea and making it new, which I have no problem with. If you are reimagining it, cool, reimagine it. 

Nicole:
Yeah, reimagine it, go for it. 

Meghan:
Yeah. And it didn't seem like that's what was happening. In the back of this book by Honey Phillips, she lists all her other books. And there's an entire series here where it's very clear that she's reimagining things. And so, she has a title called Seven Brides for Seven Alien Brothers. Apparently, we're not the only ones who are down for Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I would like to say this is why I'm okay with a retelling. Listen to the names that Honey Phillips has come up with Artek, Benjar, Callum, Dracar, Endark, Frentor, and Gilmut. I love it. I think it's so fun. 

Nicole:
It's fun. I'll give points for it. 

Meghan:
It's fun. I would probably not read any of the rest of these books, though, because they are probably all 122 pages long. I love the creativity. I love the fun ideas. For me, this length book doesn't satisfy what I'm looking for. 

Nicole:
May I make a holiday suggestion from Honey Phillips Collection? Oh. A Klaus Encounter. A sci-fi alien warrior holiday romance for Horned Holidays. 

Meghan:
I will politely decline. 

Nicole:
Hey, it could be amazing. 

Meghan:
Put that on your list, girl. I got my Christmas all planned already. 

Nicole:
I've already got my Christmas planned. 

Meghan:
Yeah. 

Nicole:
Yeah. I got some holiday books already set aside. 

Meghan:
Perhaps next year. I did enjoy this better than my last Mated to the Monster book. 

Nicole:
I was gonna ask you.

Meghan:
Yes. And I think it was just because it did give me a little bit more world building and it was a little bit closer to my spice level. Also, he's a fucking homesteader. I'm here for it. He was just very sweet. So, I liked that. It was a sweet book. It was a quick read. And if you're just looking for something that is gonna take an afternoon, this might be a fun book for you. 
So, I would say Made It to the Monster is not my favorite series, mostly because I am looking for a little bit more world building, but you know, that's me. And somebody else might really, really love these. So, if that's what I got for you today. 

Nicole:
So, we've been talking recently about mood reading and how people can sometimes multitask or they pick certain books for certain moods. I will tell you, sometimes I'm in a mood for a fast, quick romp, and I just want to read it and be done with it and just enjoy the fun ride. So, I'm not opposed to a shorter book if the plot, the plot to sex ratio is more equal and not like all sex and no plot. I know shorter ones struggle just inherently with full plot development. But if there's at least something happening and it's not just bing bang boom, I'm here for it. Because sometimes I don't want to have the whole cerebral investment of a full-on book with all the slow burns and all the everything. And I know that's not necessarily how you like to approach it, but sometimes I'm here for a quick little romp. I'm okay with it. I love full-on long books too. I really do. But if we're talking about mood reading, I guess my moods alternate between I need a fast hump or I'm ready to have the full relationship. I don't know. And that's so different from my real life, because that is not how I am in real life. 

Meghan:
That's okay though. That's why a lot of these fantasy books are what they are. You see something on the page that for whatever reason just really hits a certain spot in your brain. It doesn't mean that's what you're planning on doing in real life, or like I'm sorry, if I'm gonna find myself a tree man, that's a whole different story there. 

Nicole:
Oh lord, okay. 

Meghan:
Okay. 

Nicole:
Romantic reminders, Meghan. Or do we want to go boobie prize first? 

Meghan:
Boobie prize. First of boobie prize. I'm actually kind of shocked that my boobie prize is not earlier. And I did try and flip through my book to see if I missed it. I don't think I did. So out of 122 pages, my boobie prize is actually on page 41, which seemed kind of late. Page 41. “The water had turned her shirt and underwear almost completely transparent, giving him a glimpse of the stiff little nipples topping her small breasts.” 

Nicole:
So, you were talking about the emotional maturity.

Meghan:
Yeah.

Nicole:
I feel like that is every 13-year-old boy's like, oh, her clothes are wet and I can see her nipples. 

Meghan:
Yeah. It just, it just they seem young. 

Nicole:
It's cute. It's cute. Whatever. 

Meghan:
They're just young in their brains. 

Nicole:
It's such a fresh innocence, honestly. 

Meghan:
Like, yeah. Okay. I again, like I said earlier, it's not a good or bad thing. It's just not they just seem very young. How about you? What do you got for booby prize? 

Nicole:
Meghan, and this is why I cannot put Morning Glory milking farm at a higher level of spice. For all the talk of miniature cock symbols, we did not hit any human boobies or any boobies of any fae kind until page 174. 

Meghan:
Woo! How long was this book? 

Nicole:
228 pages long, and we didn't hit boobs until page 174. 

Meghan:
Wow, even…okay, even if we sat down and tried to do these apples to apples, I still would win then. That that's crazy to me. 

Nicole:
Yeah. Frankly, I was shocked at how long it took for a boob reference in this book. But it was seriously all giant Minotaur cocks and balls from the beginning. But here is my boobie quote. “Her nipples tightened and he tisked at her with a shake of his head. You're making it very hard to be a gentleman, but I think it's time to bring you home.”
Well then, romantic reminder. I

Meghan:
I was just gonna say, how about romantic reminders? Uh, I'm gonna let you go first with this one. What do you got? 

Nicole:
Okay, you know what? I do, I do, and I was reticent to go there. But let's go there. My romantic reminder is very practical and not quite so romantic as uh just practical sex advice. Sex towels. And I apologize to our loyal listeners. This is an inside joke. 

Meghan:
Oh, but I will say it is being prepared for the inevitable, is what you're saying. 

Nicole:
I'm just gonna say, you know, nobody likes a sticky mess. 

Meghan:
Yeah. 

Nicole:
And so, sex towels are a very nice practical method of avoiding any sticky situations or otherwise unwanted cleaning issues. Uh, just lay down some sex towels. The Minotaur had sex towels at the ready, and uh I think it's very practical advice. And I'll leave it at that, Meghan. 

Meghan:
Lucky for you, my romantic reminder goes like this, and I feel like it can go hand in hand. Like most gals, I love a sweet treat once in a while. So, my reminder is that your partner can show you how much they really love you by learning how to splooge syrup. 

Nicole:
That's not a romantic reminder. 

Meghan:
It is! They should learn what you would like and try to make that happen. 

Nicole:
Okay. Okay. 

Meghan:
In other news, I don't think I told you, but I would go for jalapeno on this book, the end. 

Nicole:
You didn't tell me your spice level.

Meghan:
I know.

Nicole:
We forgot like all kinds of key important things. 

Meghan:
We were so distracted by 24 ounces of minotaur leavins’. Goop. Liquid. She's shaking it around, you guys. It's so nasty. You know why? Because it's not syrup. 

Nicole:
Maybe if he had just laid down some syrup for his lady.  24 fucking ounces. I do not find it believable in any way. 

Meghan:
I mean, 24 ounces of syrup is also very expensive, so. 

Nicole:
Uh, all I can think of is that scene from Super Troopers where they're chugging syrup. 

Meghan:
Yeah. 

Nicole:
No. 

Meghan:
Who wants a mustache ride? 

Nicole:
All right, I'm gonna hit stop there. 
Well, Meghan, what do you have coming up on the next podcast? I have a book called Zombie Moon by Lori Devotti. It is a Harlequin. 

Nicole:
Oh, it is a Harlequin! 

Meghan:
It is. It's a Harlequin nocturne. 

Nicole:
Oh, oh, I'm not familiar. 

Meghan:
Well, the cover is a chesty man with a fire burning in front of him. He's got a giant gun, and there are some glowing eyes hovering in the background. 
The synopsis. “Caleb Locke lived for one thing: killing zombies. And this man, this legend, was exactly what Samantha Wagner needed. In mist-shrouded alleys, hunted by zombies, haunted by fear. She vowed to find Caleb and convince him to help her. But she hadn't counted on falling in love. Caleb kept his own secrets, like the one he couldn't hide when the moon was full. But this wolf was drawn to Samantha, recognizing her as his mate. With her in his arms, Caleb reveled in passion and rude his deception. Would she still love the man who fought by her side if she realized that zombies weren't the only monsters? Samantha would have to make a choice. But she only had until the next moon.”

Nicole:
What what's happening at the next moon? I mean, he's turning? Like… 

Meghan:
Moonstuff. 

Nicole:
Moonstuff. Don't you know? 

Meghan:
Come on, Nicole, get with it. 

Nicole:
Okay. 

Meghan:
And what do you have for us coming up? 

Nicole:
Well, Meghan, I have a book that you supplied me with, which I greatly appreciate. It is “That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Demon” by Kimberly Lemming. Because as I was looking through my book choices for creature feature, I'm like, Meghan, it's all witches all the time. I can't just have all witches all the time. 

Meghan:
All witches and werewolves. And we were like, we need a little more variety. 


Nicole:
And you were right. And so, I'm excited to dive into this one. The synopsis” “Spice Trader Cinnamon's quiet life is turned upside down when she ends up on a quest with a fiery demon. In this irreverently quirky rom-com fantasy that is sweet, steamy, and funny as hell. All she wanted to do was live her life in peace. Maybe get a cat, expand the family's spice farm. Really, anything that didn't involve going on an adventure where an orc might rip her face off. But they say the goddess has favorites, and if so, Sin is clearly not one of them. After Sin in a wine-drunk stupor saves the demon Fallon, he reveals that all he really wants to do is kill an evil witch enslaving his people. And who can blame him? But now he's dragging Cinnamon along for the ride, whether she likes it or not. On the bright side, at least he keeps burning off his shirt.” 
And it literally says that. Although I will say we were talking about avoiding all the stories of witches. There's still a witch in this one. 

Meghan:
Damn it! Sorry. 

Nicole:
I don't think she's the witch. 

Meghan:
Well, you never know. 

Nicole:
I don't know. Uh, I would like to note that of the commentating authors noted on the back of the book is Katee Robert. 

Meghan:
There you go. I liked my Katee Robert book. 

Nicole:
Yeah. 

Meghan:
And Katee Robert wrote a mean demon. I said I would date the fuck out of a demon if they were like the way Katee Robert wrote them. 

Nicole:
Right? 

Meghan:
So hey, maybe that's what this is gonna give you. 

Nicole:
Yeah. So that will be our last creature feature for the month of October. We are hitting the hitting the monsters hard this month. 

Meghan:
Woof! 

Nicole:
Maybe not us, but the characters we read about are. 

Meghan:
Oh, they're hitting it hard. Yeah. 

Nicole:
From tree stumpy dudes to minotaurs, to…uh.

Meghan:
Yeah. There…it's been a month. We had Sasquatch, we had werewolves…

Nicole:
Yes.

Meghan:
Uh, Mothman. 

Nicole:
Ah, Mothman. 

Meghan:
Love me some Mothman. 

Nicole:
I think anybody can love a Mothman. 

Meghan:
Ahhh, Anyway. 

Nicole:
Interestingly, uh N. S. Costa, who wrote Morning Gloria Milking Marm, she has a Mothman one. 

Meghan:
Interesting. 

Nicole:
I mean, it's not the Mothman. 

Meghan:
Wow. 

Nicole:
It's just a Mothman. 
Which we did learn that Moths do have penises. 

Meghan:
Did we learn that? 

Niclle:
Yes, we did. 

Meghan:
Oh wow. 

Nicole:
Scientific facts, stay with me. 

Meghan:
Whoa, guys, I was in a land of fantasy. Nicole's over here trying to find out the amount of jiz of various mammals and species. Oh…I will on that note…Uh, for those of you who can't see us right now, Nicole's shaking around her big juggage. 

Nicole:
24 ounces. 

Meghan:
So, on that note, thank you for joining us today for Romance on the Rocks. Please like, subscribe, and follow. And if you are a hopelessly romantic bookish biddie like us, think about giving us a review on Apple iTunes, Spotify, YouTube, wherever you catch your podcasts. And until next time, just know that your support really means the world to us. Stay safe and know that you are loved.